True/Slant Exclusive! Actual ‘Vampire Diaries’ entries leaked

There’s, like, a totally new clique of blood suckers in town, thanks to the same CBS-slash-UPN-slash-Time Warner-owned network behind Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill and a bunch of other shows that people younger than you watch totally every week like their lives depended on it. Called The Vampire Diaries, the show follows new-in-town schoolgirl Elena Gilbert (tragic accident + change in location + learning the ropes + hot vampire dudes = ka-ching!), her kid brother (pathos machine), and a couple tall, dead, and handsome bros with funny names (think foreign exchange students). One bro’s good, the other’s totally evil, both want to show Elena their secret handshake, but only one actually will. It’s like The Breakfast Club, if the cafeteria were serving blood pudding every single day of the week.

The show premieres in September, but thanks to a secret Hollywood insider (so hush-hush) I got a sneak peek at a few of the blood suckers’ actual diary entries. I think you’ll be surprised.

Monday. Dear Diary, stayed up all night again. Met this nice girl. She had really long blond hair and this great smile. Killed her. Got to bed just as the sun was coming up. But a stupid cricket or something outside my window totally kept me awake for hours. Not happy.

Wednesday. Dear Diary, went out last night and snacked on all these skater punks over by the reservoir. I am seriously rocking a contact high right now. I just ate a whole bag of Doritos and, like, can’t stop giggling. Plus? I now have, like, fifteen skateboards. Test tomorrow.

Saturday. Dear Diary, you know that scene in that movie “The Lost Boys,” when they hang from the train tracks and stuff? We totally did that tonight! I thought it would be awesome, but it was actually kinda lame. Then we went for ramen and Stefan was like, “Worms, Damon, you’re eating worms.” I was like, “Not funny!” Plus, my favorite t-shirt now? Totally grease-stained! All the dry-cleaners close at 5. Lame.

Sunday. Dear Diary, last night was pretty weird. First of all I totally drained the life from this super nice guy. Elena was like, “Dude, he’s so handsome.” I don’t know, I guess he was. I mean, I don’t really tend to notice that stuff cause I’m a guy too and all. But he seemed really nice, and he had this awesome messenger bag and this really nice, like, sorta deconstructed jacket that I thought he totally rocked. I guess things got kinda homoerotic because Stefan was like, “Bro, you’re so gay.” I’m so confused I want to die. Or live. Or something.